05 January 2012

Haiku 2012/5

a breath on the neck
crammed in the commuter trains
unable to move


Sibyl said...

Ok, now you're creeping me out, calling up one of my worst memories (stuck on a circa 1986 Shanghai bus so crowded my feet weren't touching the floor and I couldn't exit). The thought of a stranger's breath on my neck makes my flesh crawl. Elicit all that in 17 syllables? Pretty masterful. Kudos!

Patrick J. Vaz said...

Thank you! I thought it was a nice contrast to the preceding haiku, using five of the same syllables. I agree on the creepiness of crowded buses/trains -- when BART is misbehaving I'll often just wait on the platform rather than cram into a high-anxiety wall-to-wall car.